Blurry Aim
by Raggedpelt
Summary: An issue with the life support fluid in Minion's suit hampers his vision, and things just go downhill from there. Definitely a humor fic, not much else going on here. Complete.


Ugh, something had definitely gone wrong with the mixture this time.

He didn't know whether it was an infusoria infection or something wrong with the chemicals themselves, but the new support fluid in Minion's suit was far too cloudy for comfort. He could still see well enough, he supposed, but everything was fuzzy and distorted. This was better than the time that it had come out too viscous and made breathing difficult, but it still wasn't fun.

Ah well. He needed to keep his mind on the task at hand. It was a fairly routine chore; the alien fish had turned retrieving Roxanne Ritchi into a science. Though he'd never admit it, there was definitely a predatory thrill to hunting and capturing her time and again. It tickled instincts that he rarely got the chance to stretch. After all, Minion's food came in flake form. He didn't hunt as nature had intended him to.

The alien fish quietly followed his quarry in the invisible car, taking care to stay far enough back that she wouldn't know the engine. Driving with limited vision wasn't fun, but he was managing it well enough. He tracked her to the park-not a surprising destination; he'd captured her here quite a few times.

Best to get this show on the road. The park was still fairly empty, so Minion walked up to the young woman. "Excuse me, Miss Ritchi?"

She turned at the name-score, it must be her! He quickly held the rag to her face, and then watched her go limp. "Does this smell like chloroform to you?" Smiling at his own joke, he scooped her up and carefully placed her in the back seat of the invisible car. Being as gentle as he could, he slipped the bag over her head then buckled her into place.

Normally Miss Ritchi was a bit more difficult to kidnap than this, but Minion supposed that everyone had their "off" days. His master would be quite pleased that this had gone so smoothly!

* * *

"So, Metro Man!" Megamind declared, showboating for the monitor in front of him, "You will surrender _now, _if you ever want to see Roxanne Rit-" his voice died in mid word as he pulled the bag off of his captive's head, only to reveal some woman he had never seen before in his life. "Um…"

She didn't look frightened. In fact, she looked pretty pissed off. "What the _hell _is going on!" the stranger snarled, shooting him a look of pure venom.

Metro Man paused for a long beat, apparently taken off guard by the sudden change of game. "Fear not, random citizen! You won't be in Megamind's vile clutches for much longer!"

Megamind simply turned to glare at Minion. How could he have screwed this up? This was very basic stuff that every minion should know how to do! "Minion! Who _is _this!" he gestured wildly at their prisoner, "You were supposed to get _Roxanne Ritchi_! I was very clear on that point!"

Minion gave a helpless shrug, and started to reply, only to be cut off by their captive.

"Can we hurry this up? I'd really like to get back to my kids."

The villain turned to give her a look of disbelief. She had _kids?_ Perfect, just perfect. Metro Man always laid a stronger beat down if he thought kids were being threatened in some way. Looked like not only would he be going to jail this time, but he'd have a broken jaw to boot!

"You _fiend!" _Metro Man's voice boomed,"Stealing a mother away from her child!"

"Alright, _alright,_" Megamind replied, pinching the bridge of his nose in aggravation, "False alarm. Minion, take her back to wherever you found her."

"But sir-" Minion started

"Just do it!"

"Really?" Metro Man asked.

"Yes, really!" Megamind snapped, turning off the screen connecting them to the hero.

"So… you're just going to let me go?" she said, looking just as surprised as Metro Man had.

He turned to look at her, "Do you _want _me to feed you to my alligators? I could, you know. They haven't eaten in two or three days."

"N-no", came the stammered reply as Minion put the bag back over her head, and started to untie her from the chair.

"Minion, what _happened? _You're suit's not malfunctioning again, is it? I thought I had fixed that!"

"No sir, it's fine. The glass was a little foggy, that's all."

"Can I use the bathroom?" their captive asked, starting to pull the bag off her head. Megamind walked over and abruptly jerked it back down.

"You're supposed to keep that _on,_" he snarled,"I can't have you giving away the location of my secret lair of pure villainy!"

"Come on, please? I really need to go."

"_Fine_," he replied, yanking the bag off, "It's right over there. But when Minion goes to return you, the bag goes right back on, do you understand me?"

She nodded and scampered off, and Megamind turned his attention back to Minion, "Well, she's not Roxanne Ritchi, but I suppose kidnapping some random mom was fairly diabolical of me."

"A splendid act of villainy, sir!" came Minion's cheerful reply, "And I'm sure that if we weren't calling the whole thing off, it would have been a complete success!" That made him feel a bit better. "Unlike all your other plans." So much for feeling better.

Megamind turned on him, giving the fish his most malevolent glare. "This plan would have worked," he growled, "I'm just calling it off, because you screwed up and kidnapped a mommy and I _happen _to be in a good mood."

Minion shook the spray to be ready with it, but the can rattled emptily, "We're all out, sir."

"That's what the Forget-Me-Stick is for."

"But I can't!" Minion said, looking a bit horrified.

Megamind turned to face him, nonplussed, "Why not? It's just as effective as the spray."

"But she's a girl!"

"I don't see why it wouldn't be just as effective on-"

"Sir, I'm not going to hit a woman in the face with a metal club."

". . . . Oh. _Oh. _Right."

"So what do we do?"

"I don't know. Just blindfold her or something!"

Minion walked off to retrieve her, and returned a few minutes later, "She's, uh, gone sir."

"Gone?" Megamind felt his gut twist into a knot. Oh, this was bad.

"I checked the cameras. Seems she just walked out the front door."

"You're joking." The fish winced and shook his head. "I swear, Minion, if Metro Man shows up and we don't have her, I am going to-" Just then, he heard the telltale _crash_ of his old nemesis making a new door for the lair. He gave the hero a nervous laugh.

"Time out?"


End file.
